Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Ahhh, so home for the first Thanksgiving in quite some time. I am definitely thankful for my family. I've been through a lot this year and they somehow keep my head above water. My friends....well there are those I truly cherish and there are those I am happy to have now excluded from my life. Afterall, I am 30 now ;-). With that being said, I am thankful for my health, my career and most of all, my ability to realize the things that are truly important to me. I understand that not everyone is as fortunate and blessed as I have been no matter how many tribulations I face. I have to understand that this is HIS way of providing me with unwavering strength for the future. So, I hope that everyone is grateful for something and is blessed in their own way. Happy Thanksgiving, Friends! :-)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I can’t even begin to explain what an enormous failure I feel like. Between making mistakes and trying to fix them, I feel so constricted it’s hard to breathe. I can only hope that I made good decisions along this path that have avoided further destruction. That’s right, it’s finally the meltdown and destruction of myself. I hate the fact that I feel like I am a great person, only to learn that people don’t think the same of me. I’ve been through so many betrayals by great friends and financial pitfalls this year, it’s hard for me to think what life would have been like had I stayed in Chicago. I hate living here. I hate the fact that the friends I had for so long turned out to be the most self loathing pieces of shit. I hate that I racked up finances throughout my stay in Chicago only to turn around and move home to try and save money and have it slapped in my face when the bills came. So what now? Where I will go, I have no idea. I am making advances in the right direction, but for some reason , they are consistently obstructed. I question what is wrong with me and where in life I went so wrong. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself forever, but for now, it’s all I have. Am I turning into a self loathing piece of shit, just like those assholes wanted? At least I can breathe easy knowing….1) I don’t have children I view as restrictions on my social life, 2) I try to do what is right and 3) I know my boundaries and I know what I have to do to make things right. So to “them” I say better luck next time, my focus is me, myself and I. I have no time to fall into the demise of self loathing as you have. I’m too smart for that.